the day that i made my first step

i lived in a mess since charming’s gone.  my life routine was worse than just boring.  i travelled alone back and forth to office on weekdays, no catching up session after work with buddies, locked up myself in my rented house during weekends, and only talk and text to my mom and my best buddy, sharmini for months.  the situation at that time was really sombre to me.

IMG_9120

then until one day, it came through my mind:  why not i try to live charming’s easy life when he was having his off-days?  just like me spending my time on weekends; but this time around, will be on his routine instead.  at least, that will make me move my ass off the bed.  i was being a sleeping beauty (the ‘beauty’ part is which i doubt) on every weekends, saturday to sunday, since i faced the truth that charming is no longer on this earth.  even though i’d made it the first day i-live-my-life-without-him-alive which that was on the 5th April, and i managed to come to office on the first monday on the 8th April 2013 after his death – but later, there was more to come for me to succumb.  especially on the heartbreaking part.

i really missed him so much until i want to live his life.  i wanted to do every single thing that he usually did – when he was alive. (‘was alive’ doesn’t sound right to me still)  while thinking about that idea, i started to like it.  perhaps it was charming stood beside me at that time and whispered the idea to my ears because i know he definitely hating it when i’m living my life like a walking zombie.  i know he never ever liked me being like this.

charmings’ routine was always easy when he was not on his duty.  i knew from A right to the Z every single thing he did.  we always get in touch each other; each hour.  sometimes i got myself jealous when he text or called me telling how he enjoyed his brunch with his family or his brother or with a bunch of his friends while me caught myself in the office running here and there for mock meetings, discussions, datelines etc.

so that morning in june, i got up as early as 0645hrs, headed to the bathroom, cleaned myself and ended up, quietly prayed in the middle of my room.  it was my routine back then to wake him up for prayer.  sometimes he woke up first.  that was when i’ll get all his annoying texts and calls from him.

i spoke to God in my silent prayer.  i teared up, crying.  i asked for the best patience in me.  it’s been hard since he’s gone.  it’s really tough.  he brought all the hopes together with him.  i couldn’t ask for more, just to bear it with patience…

around 0730hrs, i left my apartment and walked down to pam.  pamela a.k.a pam, my car.  yeah, i called her pam.  i drove down to the public swimming pool in my neighbourhood.  charming’s routine.  he loved to swim.  the difference is; he swam at his house swimming pool.  my apartment doesn’t have one so i end up paying rm2 for the entrance.  haha

when i left the community swimming pool, it was almost 1000hrs.  the weather was good.  i felt like it supports my effort of moving my ass that day.  i took the picture.  this is the real picture i took on that day:

the entrance

the entrance

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

beautiful weather

beautiful weather

time for breakfast! 🙂

i went to the nearest shopping mall to get his favourite breakfast.  to make it convenient for me.
charming really loved pancakes or waffle for breakfast.  either with the blueberry sauce (his mom makes the best sauce!) or strawberry with the whipped cream (remind me of something) or traditionally with the mapple syrup or can be as simple as with honey!  i ended up choosing waffle because they don’t make pancakes.  and with tea or ‘teh-O’ less sugar.

photo 4

i reached home before afternoon.  normally, that will be time for charming to do his stuff like paying the bills, shop for groceries, bring his car for service, etc and then came to my office and fetched me for lunch.

me instead gotta do my laundry!  the most hating thing to do!  and some other house chores to do…  ahh~

i awoke to find the washing machine was already stopped.  it was almost five o’clock.  and the telly had been watching me sleep for like two hours.  well, it’s weekend, day sleeping is what the weekend for!  come on!  even charming did that most of his off-days!  haha 😀

so the last routine…  to wash the car!  i’ve got pam.  charming got rex.  but to tell you the truth, all this while, i brought pam somewhere for wash and paid for it.  i never willingly doing that for her.  that day, it was my pleasure because charming really love to wash his car on his own effort!

“i’m about to bathe my sweetheart, you don’t get jelly?”  one of the question i remember him asking.  sigh, silly charming~  haha!

i did everything, in and out.  AND also, in his t-shirt:

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

i washed, i vacuumed the car, and check the “black oil” like a professional mechanic~ (i dunno, malaysian like me called it like that – myk hitam. but it’s not the petrol!  engine oil maybe~)…  i did it all the way like charming used to tell me.

“everything laa.. from the body to the engine… that’s how you take care of your car…”  – Charming.

later at night, i spent my time having the dinner alone.  wishing that charming been looking at me for the whole day from above.  and he might be smiling while looking at his idiot girl spending her time alone in his routine because she is missing him so much…

and she wants nothing but his smile.  she’s burden with pain. and while quietly eating her dinner, her tears fell down to her cheek.
if you can see that, charming…

DinnerAlone0607

xoxo

Mirror by Justin Timberlake

Aren’t you somethin’ to admire, cause your shine is somethin’ like a mirror
And I can’t help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I’m always parallell on the other side

[Pre-Hook]
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there’s no place we couldn’t go
Just put your hand on the glass, I’ll be tryin’ to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

[Hook]
Cause I don’t wanna lose you now
I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I’ll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin’ back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn’t get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it’s clear as this promise
That we’re making two reflections into one
Cause it’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

[Verse 2]
Aren’t you somethin’, an original, cause it doesn’t seem merely assembled
And I can’t help but stare cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can’t ever change without you, you reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I would look at us all the time

[Pre-Hook]
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there’s no place we couldn’t go
Just put your hand on the glass, I’ll be tryin’ to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

[Hook]
Cause I don’t wanna lose you now
I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I’ll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin’ back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn’t get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it’s clear as this promise
That we’re making two reflections into one
Cause it’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

[Bridge]
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow’s a mystery
I can see you lookin’ back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

[Hook]
Cause I don’t wanna lose you now
I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I’ll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin’ back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn’t get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it’s clear as this promise
That we’re making two reflections into one
Cause it’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

[Hook 2] x10
You are you are the love of my life

[Verse 3]
Baby you’re the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it’s already gone
And I can’t wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are

[Hook 2] x8
You are you are the love of my life

[Verse 4]
Girl you’re my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
You’re my reflection and all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do

[Hook 2] x16
You are you are the love of my life

pict: broken mirror by marcis

pict: broken mirror by marcis

when you are no where to be seen

missing my charming after 161 days of his departure…

..life after april 4th..

this life, this kind of life
to me is rough.

i wake up every morning with a thought of you,
not thinking about your routine, not about your whereabout,
but a thought of us
during those time.

and i come to bed every night,
after i survived the day once again without you,
but still – with a thought of you,
not be able to grab my phone to call you,
to wish you goodnight or to text you a sweet dream.

when you are not around,
my simple life becomes a struggle to me.

when you are no where to be seen,
i’m taking my breath of many sighs.

when you are no where to be seen,
my heart pulses with miseries.

when you are no where to be seen,
my excitement has lost its adrenaline.

but that time,
when you were around,
i found ease in the most…

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