Why losing him is hard.

It is not easy when I lost him. It’s been like 365 days since he left, still I could not translate my feelings and make them into a proper sentence. Some part of me must have been paralyzed since he gone. Some part of me must be disfuctioning, and slowly dying.

When Hanief called me on that fateful date and told me that his brother “has gone”, i felt numbed.

“I know he (adip) has gone for umrah. I came late to airport, but i sent him off, rite after u left, Anep.”

“No, Lyd.. Abang’s gone. He passed on after he done his umrah. They are preparing for the solat jenazah now n then the funeral…”

I felt like my heart crushed into thousands of tiny pieces after he finished that sentence. I felt like as though I’m being pushed from the top of mount Everest point, and could be higher, plumetting myself to earth while my heartbeat raced so fast and then crashed my body to the ground… I felt that pain in me, i barely felt it.

Adips’ smiley face pictured in my mind. That guy? My man? My tough guy? My love? My partner? My soul? My soon-to-be husband???? He’s been taken away..???????? Is this serious????

I tried to digest the whole of Hanief’s sentences. Tried to understand words by words and pushed them straight through my mind. Tried to process what it was. Tried harder. But it was just too rough and too hard to my believe. Yet, too hard for a try. My brain was freezed.

OH NO…!! Ya Allah…. NO! NO! NO!! Ya Allah… No way..! He’s my guy, “You” know.. “You” are not taking him away…. Please, ya Allah… Please tell me this is just a mistake… Just some confusion…. They make mistake out of everything, whatever things are happening there in Makkah right now… Please ya Allah… Please gimme some hopes… Pleaseeeee……

My heart was begging and begging and begging with no emotions on my face, but with tears running down my cheek until i fell asleep… The next day I woke up at 4th April 2013, was my nightmare… I started to receive takziah wishes from everyone… I was just… Helpless. I am not sure was that really2 happening.. Or could it be some sort of news later – telling that it WAS a mistake, or at least – i’ll be waking up from this nightmare… But none of it happened as i went thru the whole day, and yet still received many takziah wishes from families and his frens…

My dearest Adief, I thought you’re just too young for this, sinned too much, and i’d just thought that your better life is just yet to be – after youre coming back from umrah. OUR better life instead… As what we always have talked about this before. But it turned out that I was wrong… For as you were one of those lucky ones, who was lucky enough to be HIS special guest for Baitullah, and He wanted you to “stay” in His house because there was Heaven was waiting for you… Ya Allah, Adief… My love… My sweetheart…

He was the man. He will always be the man for me for now and forever even though his time is up. He was always the man for me. The man who always provided me with a feeling of security. The man who blanketed myself away from worries and sadness. The man who knows to say the right things whenever things go wrong. He knows best of how to cheer me up every time life turned me down. He never failed at his attempts to make me smile. He never fail to make me happy.

He was the man. Yes, i was his princess, and he treated me like one. He always loved my smile. He ever told me that my smile is the essence in his world. “A smile that soothed my cloudy days.” (Yes, his words) A smile that he always used to cope his ‘turbulence day at work’ after touch-downs, and “a smile that i needed to mend my ‘aircraft defected’ at work”. (Yes, this too; was his words) And the stupid jokes i made to break his stress. “You nie sengal laa, hun… Tp sengal2 tu laa yg i sayang.” Was one of his fave line ever..

We were so in love through out the three-years-old-relationship. (the rest 7 years as a good friend) We spoilt each other with all the sweet names to call, poems, surprises, and gifts. We were obsessed to each other just enough to make us dropped our stupid arguements – at least 15 minutes after we blew it. We were in love enough to stand at the “longest” cold war we ever had; for 1 and a half day. We couldn’t stand the day when we were not talking to each other. We hated it when we were being quiet to each other. We didn’t want any days to pass by without someone saying something to each other… And we always cleared up the air before he was gone for his flight. Everytime he had his flying days, he will expect he will be going with zero argument hanging between us.. Our goodbye-and-take-care-and-have-a-safe-flight was always the sweetest…

He was a stern type. He will scold (nagged) me for my wronged but gentle enough to call me ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘Hun’ while nagging in his burning anger voice… He might have raised his voice a few times when i went wild and lost my temper through out our arguments, but he were gentle enough to say “i love you” everytime we lost our words because the argument we had had lead us to nowhere. We never ever hurt each other’s pride whenever we argued, no matter how bad angst had taken into control of ourselves, we always have respects on each other in arguments… AND, it always be ended with “i love you”…

Today, 4th April 2014. One year after his passing, 365 days of my survival without having him in my daily life…

Adip sayang, if i were given the last chance to see you standing right in front of my eyes before you’ll be going back to Heaven, i surely could not even open up my mouth and say it out loud things one by one. I have too many things inside my heart and my mind to let go to you… It will take the whole year of my miseries to let you know every single thing i wanted you to know… I will reserve that later, i will come and find you later in Heaven, no matter how long it gonna take me there… Let it be millions of years after my death, let it be you ahead of millions souls, i am still will be finding you soon… My love will bring myself to you…

As of now, i’m sure you’re resting in peace. “Sleep” tight, sayang… On top of everything, you deserve it… I just want to let you know that i… Am… Doing… Just fine right here. :’) I am still loving you. Never changed, never did. I have loved you in your best suit, I have loved you looking your very worst. You are the best i ever had…
I love you. But Allah love you more, so I’d just let you go…
Tinggallah, sayang. Nanti kita berjumpa lagi…

Al-fatihah to my Mr. Wing Badge. My love never died. It’s just have been in heaven… Adief Zaim, I LOVE YOU. REALLY.

life as it goes on

7th november 2013

it’s already november.  december stands still in the corner of the end of this year; remarkably significant to charming’s birthday and my dad’s as well.  i’ve been reminding myself to be emotionally ready for his coming birthday.  yes, i had prepared so many birthday surprises for him for all the years.  made handmade birthday cards, baked cakes, bought gifts, composed poems, arranged dinners and surprise tricks, and all.

this year no more.  not anymore.

it’s been seven months since he’s gone.  on the first and second months after his departure, i tried to anticipate on how will i cope along this first year.  i thought, i was just simply thought, at this period of seven months i will be getting back on track of my normal life.  thought i will become stronger and emotionally stable.

but i was wrong.

life as it goes on has been so emptied.  i’m tired of everything which is actually i am just missing him so badly.  i have lost the perfect shoulder that i used to cry on.  also, i have lost the hands who used to hug and pat my back every time i burst out.  the absence which take place is just inevitable.  no matter how hard i try to ignore, it still strikes me.  the lost should have made me cry double or triple than i used to do in charming’s arm.  there should be a very good ear listening to my rants and stories.  there should be the lips saying the perfect things, saying all the things i wanted to hear when i’m lost about life…  but…  it’s just no longer there.  evokes me somehow.  the truth of life as it goes on…

i now install some chatting applications in my iphone so that i can avoid the absence feeling from not checking my whatsapp or sms for every hours.  at first it helps.  but after awhile, i’m getting sick of talking to people that i don’t even know.  it’s just not the same.  so the apps has been abandoned at one corner on my iphone interface which  it has been updated to ios7 and i hate it.

nothing can compare to my charming.  he’s like my lucky charm, and always look charming.  he’s my forever love who departed from this world and landed safely in my heart.  he has been occupied all the rooms in my heart since before his death.  and even more after his death.  he, to me was never died.  he is the only man for me.  forever.

as life goes on, nothing could really change the way i smile after april the fourth.  i feel the God blessing.

thank you, Allah… 🙂

747 still my love :)

747 still my love 🙂

xoxo

pam badly injured

it was cloudy.  i normally hate that.  my mood always get affected by this kind of weather.

being ignorant to that, i put on my best blouse and jeans then immediately left my apartment.  i wanted to go to my moms’ school.  i bought one bundle chocolates for her (and her friends’ too) from langkawi, so i think it would be better if i sent them off as soon as possible i can, otherwise those chocs would end up going thru my damn mouth and be safe in my tummy!  hoho 😛

i drove pam very carefully.  i decided to take the SMART tunnel route to moms’ school to avoid traffic congestion.  but still, at that time around 1400hrs something, the traffic was quite heavy.

i took a glance at the signboards above.  it shows the SMART tunnel must be on the right lane.  so i already adhered to that.

on the next few seconds after that, while i was following the path, it showed that the SMART tunnel signboard was on my most left already!

“what the hell?”  my heart said.

i took the fastest glance while trying to anticipating the distance.  yes.  i’m sure i can still take that exit.  by looking at my distance, i should be able to catch that exit point.  so i looked at the vehicles coming from my left behind and at the same time looking at the way i was made.

one second.

two second.

three…

four…

by the fifth second, there was – in front of me – a road divider, almost at the height of my knee.

this damned divider is hidden by the passing by cars.  if you’re not familiar with the road, you will never expect there will be something awaits you in the front.  and i am very sure, if not because of the busy traffic i could manage to avoid that damned thing.  but looking at the traffic flow on that very second, i only have two choices:  hit divider or evade divider then hit someone’s car.

so i pressed the brake, and closed my eyes and screamed.

i could feel my car went on a rough trail and the noise it made i tell you… very HORRENDOUS.

the car stopped.  on a few second, i was stunned.  i was like…  oh, shit…  did i just smack pam??  and went blur for awhile.  i felt terrible.  in the next second panic attack woke me up.  my hands was shaking.  i quickly grabbed my phone, unlocked it and find charming’s number.  i was about to give him a call…  the moment i saw his smiling picture looking at me, i felt like a pang.  charming’s gone…  how could i didn’t realize it??

oh God.

this felt even worse.  i cried alone in the car.  i was so broken inside.

that was when someone knocked my car’s window.  the towing guy.  i don’t know how the heck he can be there.  i wiped my tears and started searching some names in my phone contact.  the smell of petrol alert me.  no, i don’t think this car gonna blown up.  but thinking about the sound it made when pam ran through along the rough divider triggered an uneasy feeling in me.  no, no…  nothing serious gonna happen.  i will somehow get this towing guy to move pam off here, and pay them and went off, that’s all.  i think nothing serious gonna happen to pam.  it just like…  some scratches at the bottom of pam i hope.  c’mon, i don’t want things happened.

at last i gave a call to my cousin.  he told me to call AAM.  don’t trust the normal towing company who will charge a lot, like… a lot.  so i lowered down the window and told that guy that i am going to call AAM now.  but he insisted that he actually from AAM.  and he showed me his staff ID which proved the same.

i dunno what else should i do.  i am so confused.

then i called my dad.  didn’t pick up.  so i tried my luck calling my second brother.  hope i can asked him to ask my dad to return my call.  he either, was not answered.

okay, called my youngest brother.  he stays with my mom these days, so i think he will manage to come there and accompany me along the process.  but he too, did not pick up my call!

damn!!

i text my besties.  sharmini and ms. hals.  they tried to calm me down.  then after that i called my dad back again.

this time he picked up my call and i suddenly burst out crying.  all of them tried to make me feel better.  they told me this kind of thing does happened, so just take it easy.

after i managed to calm down, then only i called my mom.  my mom is even easier get panicked than myself.  if i’d call her up and burst, she would have thought the worst thing.

i got out of pam and have a look at her condition.  not even a single scratch, let alone any dents on her hard body.  she looked just fine!  by looking at her, no one would think she just had involved in an accident!

“your gearbox totally damaged.”

haa, there goes.

“anymore?”  i asked.  not knowing a thing about it.

all i know, IF it is a ferrari gearbox, it must be ordered through Naza Italia and that will take roughly about three months to receive it.

“petrol tank broken.”

ahh.  okay.  yayy!

i can feel pam is now looking exactly like me.  outside look strong, but the inside part is damaged.  just like me.

people might see i’m all physically okay.  just that i lose some weights.  but inside, i’m broken since charming gone.  like can’t be fixed anymore.  thank God, pam still can.

so that guy told me they will send pam off to the perodua workshop in ampang after the police report, and from there, it will take roughly around two weeks to complete.  two weeks?  hurm… whatever.  okay~

i don’t know either i was being too pampered or spoiled by charming, but he never approved me driving.  he said my motion is rather slow and i can’t make quick decisions, so how i’m gonna decide things on the road?

he would drove me to places during his offdays.  and he also told me that if he left me driving alone, he would ended up choked his heart up in the air – while he was working.  bad charming!  haha 😀

i can imagine how charming gonna react IF he was here listening to my story about pam.  charming never scolded me when i’d done big mistakes.  so i think he would rather say things like;  “yayy.. u wrecked ur car already…  so what lesson u learnt this time…?”  he always “cheered” me when i did mistakes and asked me to take the consequences out of it so that i can always learnt.  he was a sensible man rather than a punisher.  that’s one of the thing that i love about him…  My forever love.

once again that day, i learnt to become a stronger lady.  and this time, it’s about a car accident.  i will collect these one by one in the absence of charming.  i know it’ll be more to come…  i will survive until i’m back together again with charming…

insya Allah.  God’s willing.

helping pam off that thing.  poor pam!

helping pam off that thing. poor pam!

xoxo

birthday 2013

i’m back blogging!

it’s been like a couple of weeks already after my super busy week!  we had this vessel launching in rotterdam and i was the focal point of contact between KL – rotterdam team.  and last week was my birthday and i went on leave for the whole week…  actually i don’t want any celebration for my birthday this year.  i told (WARNED actually)  to my fave girls that i don’t want anything for this year.  not even a birthday wish… but being my best fren, they still wished, but in a different tone…

sharmini @ 0031hrs
hi gurl… i know u r very sad… 😦  i know u r suffering… but i’ve nothing to say gurl…  coz i know nothing can make u feel better… i dun even know should i wish u or not… but maybe i should just keep quiet…  
be strong… don’t think too much… go sleep.. the more u think the more u hurt…  pls try sleep early yea… 
by the way, remember…  im here with u, gurl…  don’t worry… all be fine… anything just let me know…  just try to be stronger..  charming will never wanna see u very down at this time…  take care yea… nites…

ms. hals @ 0051hrs
pray harder to Allah SWT girl…  be strong…  luv u…

well, yeah.  it never been easy for me.  living life without him is hard, let alone when it comes to special occasion like this.  anyhow, i REALLY love one of his birthday wishes that he sent to me thru SMS two years back:

“happy birthday, princess.  i love you.  don’t worry, you will age gracefully.”

he always told me that.

i don’t wanna feel special on my birthday on 22nd sept last week.  to me, no one can make it special for me.  but that was when nana my niece managed to cheer me up and made me smile!  she sent two voice messages thru whatsapp!  (too bad i can’t copy those in to here!)  the first message goes like:
hello aunty…!  and in the second message, she sang a birthday song for me!  sooo cute..!!  😀 and right after her mom sent the voice messages, she (the mom) told me that nana wanted to do a video call with me…  i think she’s too cute and so sweeeetttt!!! ^___^

well.  i’ve made my birthday wish.  silently in my prayer.  i know i can’t live forever, but i wanna live timelessly.  i hope i will survive days in my life without charming.  because i wanna catch him up in heaven.

insya Allah.  God’s willing.

Amen.

happy birthday to me

happy birthday to me

xoxo

the day that i made my first step

i lived in a mess since charming’s gone.  my life routine was worse than just boring.  i travelled alone back and forth to office on weekdays, no catching up session after work with buddies, locked up myself in my rented house during weekends, and only talk and text to my mom and my best buddy, sharmini for months.  the situation at that time was really sombre to me.

IMG_9120

then until one day, it came through my mind:  why not i try to live charming’s easy life when he was having his off-days?  just like me spending my time on weekends; but this time around, will be on his routine instead.  at least, that will make me move my ass off the bed.  i was being a sleeping beauty (the ‘beauty’ part is which i doubt) on every weekends, saturday to sunday, since i faced the truth that charming is no longer on this earth.  even though i’d made it the first day i-live-my-life-without-him-alive which that was on the 5th April, and i managed to come to office on the first monday on the 8th April 2013 after his death – but later, there was more to come for me to succumb.  especially on the heartbreaking part.

i really missed him so much until i want to live his life.  i wanted to do every single thing that he usually did – when he was alive. (‘was alive’ doesn’t sound right to me still)  while thinking about that idea, i started to like it.  perhaps it was charming stood beside me at that time and whispered the idea to my ears because i know he definitely hating it when i’m living my life like a walking zombie.  i know he never ever liked me being like this.

charmings’ routine was always easy when he was not on his duty.  i knew from A right to the Z every single thing he did.  we always get in touch each other; each hour.  sometimes i got myself jealous when he text or called me telling how he enjoyed his brunch with his family or his brother or with a bunch of his friends while me caught myself in the office running here and there for mock meetings, discussions, datelines etc.

so that morning in june, i got up as early as 0645hrs, headed to the bathroom, cleaned myself and ended up, quietly prayed in the middle of my room.  it was my routine back then to wake him up for prayer.  sometimes he woke up first.  that was when i’ll get all his annoying texts and calls from him.

i spoke to God in my silent prayer.  i teared up, crying.  i asked for the best patience in me.  it’s been hard since he’s gone.  it’s really tough.  he brought all the hopes together with him.  i couldn’t ask for more, just to bear it with patience…

around 0730hrs, i left my apartment and walked down to pam.  pamela a.k.a pam, my car.  yeah, i called her pam.  i drove down to the public swimming pool in my neighbourhood.  charming’s routine.  he loved to swim.  the difference is; he swam at his house swimming pool.  my apartment doesn’t have one so i end up paying rm2 for the entrance.  haha

when i left the community swimming pool, it was almost 1000hrs.  the weather was good.  i felt like it supports my effort of moving my ass that day.  i took the picture.  this is the real picture i took on that day:

the entrance

the entrance

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

beautiful weather

beautiful weather

time for breakfast! 🙂

i went to the nearest shopping mall to get his favourite breakfast.  to make it convenient for me.
charming really loved pancakes or waffle for breakfast.  either with the blueberry sauce (his mom makes the best sauce!) or strawberry with the whipped cream (remind me of something) or traditionally with the mapple syrup or can be as simple as with honey!  i ended up choosing waffle because they don’t make pancakes.  and with tea or ‘teh-O’ less sugar.

photo 4

i reached home before afternoon.  normally, that will be time for charming to do his stuff like paying the bills, shop for groceries, bring his car for service, etc and then came to my office and fetched me for lunch.

me instead gotta do my laundry!  the most hating thing to do!  and some other house chores to do…  ahh~

i awoke to find the washing machine was already stopped.  it was almost five o’clock.  and the telly had been watching me sleep for like two hours.  well, it’s weekend, day sleeping is what the weekend for!  come on!  even charming did that most of his off-days!  haha 😀

so the last routine…  to wash the car!  i’ve got pam.  charming got rex.  but to tell you the truth, all this while, i brought pam somewhere for wash and paid for it.  i never willingly doing that for her.  that day, it was my pleasure because charming really love to wash his car on his own effort!

“i’m about to bathe my sweetheart, you don’t get jelly?”  one of the question i remember him asking.  sigh, silly charming~  haha!

i did everything, in and out.  AND also, in his t-shirt:

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

i washed, i vacuumed the car, and check the “black oil” like a professional mechanic~ (i dunno, malaysian like me called it like that – myk hitam. but it’s not the petrol!  engine oil maybe~)…  i did it all the way like charming used to tell me.

“everything laa.. from the body to the engine… that’s how you take care of your car…”  – Charming.

later at night, i spent my time having the dinner alone.  wishing that charming been looking at me for the whole day from above.  and he might be smiling while looking at his idiot girl spending her time alone in his routine because she is missing him so much…

and she wants nothing but his smile.  she’s burden with pain. and while quietly eating her dinner, her tears fell down to her cheek.
if you can see that, charming…

DinnerAlone0607

xoxo