life as it goes on

7th november 2013

it’s already november.  december stands still in the corner of the end of this year; remarkably significant to charming’s birthday and my dad’s as well.  i’ve been reminding myself to be emotionally ready for his coming birthday.  yes, i had prepared so many birthday surprises for him for all the years.  made handmade birthday cards, baked cakes, bought gifts, composed poems, arranged dinners and surprise tricks, and all.

this year no more.  not anymore.

it’s been seven months since he’s gone.  on the first and second months after his departure, i tried to anticipate on how will i cope along this first year.  i thought, i was just simply thought, at this period of seven months i will be getting back on track of my normal life.  thought i will become stronger and emotionally stable.

but i was wrong.

life as it goes on has been so emptied.  i’m tired of everything which is actually i am just missing him so badly.  i have lost the perfect shoulder that i used to cry on.  also, i have lost the hands who used to hug and pat my back every time i burst out.  the absence which take place is just inevitable.  no matter how hard i try to ignore, it still strikes me.  the lost should have made me cry double or triple than i used to do in charming’s arm.  there should be a very good ear listening to my rants and stories.  there should be the lips saying the perfect things, saying all the things i wanted to hear when i’m lost about life…  but…  it’s just no longer there.  evokes me somehow.  the truth of life as it goes on…

i now install some chatting applications in my iphone so that i can avoid the absence feeling from not checking my whatsapp or sms for every hours.  at first it helps.  but after awhile, i’m getting sick of talking to people that i don’t even know.  it’s just not the same.  so the apps has been abandoned at one corner on my iphone interface which  it has been updated to ios7 and i hate it.

nothing can compare to my charming.  he’s like my lucky charm, and always look charming.  he’s my forever love who departed from this world and landed safely in my heart.  he has been occupied all the rooms in my heart since before his death.  and even more after his death.  he, to me was never died.  he is the only man for me.  forever.

as life goes on, nothing could really change the way i smile after april the fourth.  i feel the God blessing.

thank you, Allah… 🙂

747 still my love :)

747 still my love 🙂



when i’m no good~

okay. whatever you would think of this.

i “decided” to go on medical leave today.  sick?  no.  i’m sure i’m not sick.  i’m just no good.

to start with, it was almost midnite when i reached home last nite.  300KM journey just ended.  i felt so tired so i didn’t bother to decide what should i wear for work tomorrow (which is today), and i crashed myself on the bed right away.

dis morning, after i dressed up, still my heart refused to go to work.  i’m still tired.   (plus ‘monday-blues’ virus).  i wish i can have more rest!!  but my heart said:  no, no, no, i should go work!!  so, what my heart said.  i went out of the house, walking toward my car.

when my feet touched the ground, i felt something.  an uneasy feeling.  it was my shoe, though.  a flat metalic gold peeping toe pump, which, to tell you the truth is already worn out.  i think last nite was raining.  water spots were everywhere, and that made my feet cold and somehow; wet.  i took a look at the bottom part of my shoe, and there the shoe out sole has already cracked.

i’m a woman, you know.
i have one full rack of shoes (but always end up wearing the same “favourite shoe” to work).  dis morning, i was at my mom’s place.  i just have whatever shoe i wear.  i didn’t have spare.  thoughts coming up…

how should i go to work with this shoe?  do you mean to force me to go to office and somehow look like a lost witch failed in finding her way home last nite in front of my handsome boss?  (well, i didn’t mention about my so-so dress that i left at my mom’s house a couple of years ago~)  plus…  yes, i’m tired still actually.

around 9AM today, i was in the clinic.  i have told my boss and my assistant that i’m on a medical leave today.  but the truth; i haven’t got the medical slip yet!  well, i’m sure they’ll give one to me.  i believe i’m gonna get one.

it’s been like four months since my last MC a.k.a medical leave.  the last one i got – the doc gave me a couple of days just to rest.  at that time, i was still struggling to get on my feet after Charming died on the earlier month.  but today, i’m going to use the same lame excuse.  menstrual pain.  i think that’s the simplest excuse i can tell – or lie, to be exact.

inside the doc’s room, i was a little bit puzzled when the doc said i’ve got a little bit of ‘feverish’.  and that my throat reddened a bit.  so the conclusion is; a part from the menstrual pain, i also got fever and some outbreak at my throat.  owh thank God!  at least i wasn’t really cheating!  well, i told ya i’m no good~  haha ;P

at the reception counter, the nurse gave me this, based on the doc prescription:

yeah, i'm no sick.  so these meds are sarcasm or what??  haha

yeah, i’m no sick. so these meds are sarcasm or what?? haha

oh my gawd.  is the doc being exaggerating or what??  ahh~  as long as i’ve got the medical slip!  hehe 😀


i wish i’m in the autobot family

i bought the fluorescent light starter yesterday. just a stupid starter.

i ONLY need one, actually

i ONLY need one, actually

my bathroom light started to blink for no apparent reason since last Tuesday, so i give it a guess it must be something wrong with the starter.
the problem was – never in my damn life i fixed this thing before!  i always depended on Charming (my love, one and only) when he was still around (and this is not the only matter i depended on).  these days, his absence almost killing me.

i know it’s just a small matter.  i’ve watched him fixed the same thing before and that was during my time staying in a 2-storey bungalow with my sorority sisters 😉 (yes, i did.)

“ten of you (girls) in the bungalow but no one knows how to fix a faulty lamp?” i remember his fave line whenever i called him to come over to repair or fix something in that house.

now (after i moved to another town) i have to do it myself, and i believe i can do it alone!
just pray dat i won’t get the electric shock.

shut up, b*itch!

me: shut up, b*itch!

at first, i was looking around for my house main switchboard.  but then i remember (again) dat Charming had never ever touched dat damn thing before when he fixed, so i knew myself was just exaggerating.

i went on to the first approach – to make sure dat i REALLY had switched off the light switch.  then i gave it a second look (hundreds actually – since last Tuesday!) at the starter right before i pull that thing off from its’ socket.

that's the old starter i'm about to replace

that’s the old starter i’m about to replace

then, by being completely noob at dis, i grasped that thing using my fingers to clockwise and anti-clockwise turn; just to have some ideas to which way should i pull dat thing so dat it gonna come out from the hole.  if i’m not mistaken, i turned it quarterly clockwise until i could feel this old starter unseat itself off the hole.

then what?  of course replace it to the new one lah~ haha

i plugged in the new starter and give it a quarter anti-clockwise turn again, until i can really feel it snapped back in place.  upon that, i guess my mission is now completed!

(switched on the light with full of hope)

and you really wanna know the result? it blinked still!  pfft!!

my broad shoulder fell from its’ frame.  i felt hope is gone.  i thought i will pass this?!  now i got myself really sick! (and yeah, at one attempt!)  so what should i do now? i changed the starter already.  what now?  could it be from the lamp itself?  a blown lamp maybe??  but i can’t see any trace of burned or whatsoever!  so what’s wrong with the lamp? ….

i just miss my Charming.

i just hope he’s here with me.  not to fix the damn lamp.  i just need him – as always.  i just need his presence.  i need him around, that’s all.  i won’t ask for more… this thought always brings me to tears.

strange thing happened when i started calling his name while weeping.  i mean, a few minutes after that.  i could see there was no blinking, but a constant lighting from my back.

of course not him, idiot.

the lamp!  i made it!  i fixed it! 🙂  it suddenly behaved (bah~) after i cried!  (God’s willing)  there was i switching on and off the light to see this time it reaaaally worked!  and yes, it is!  Charming must be very proud of me. 🙂



and there was i, today on friday morning having shower as my usual routine when i heard something like buzzing sound in the bathroom.

and there;  the light started to blink AGAIN. ourghh!! NOO…. 😦 *sigh*


i wish i’m in the autobot family where electrical matters really doesn’t matter!