life as it goes on

7th november 2013

it’s already november.  december stands still in the corner of the end of this year; remarkably significant to charming’s birthday and my dad’s as well.  i’ve been reminding myself to be emotionally ready for his coming birthday.  yes, i had prepared so many birthday surprises for him for all the years.  made handmade birthday cards, baked cakes, bought gifts, composed poems, arranged dinners and surprise tricks, and all.

this year no more.  not anymore.

it’s been seven months since he’s gone.  on the first and second months after his departure, i tried to anticipate on how will i cope along this first year.  i thought, i was just simply thought, at this period of seven months i will be getting back on track of my normal life.  thought i will become stronger and emotionally stable.

but i was wrong.

life as it goes on has been so emptied.  i’m tired of everything which is actually i am just missing him so badly.  i have lost the perfect shoulder that i used to cry on.  also, i have lost the hands who used to hug and pat my back every time i burst out.  the absence which take place is just inevitable.  no matter how hard i try to ignore, it still strikes me.  the lost should have made me cry double or triple than i used to do in charming’s arm.  there should be a very good ear listening to my rants and stories.  there should be the lips saying the perfect things, saying all the things i wanted to hear when i’m lost about life…  but…  it’s just no longer there.  evokes me somehow.  the truth of life as it goes on…

i now install some chatting applications in my iphone so that i can avoid the absence feeling from not checking my whatsapp or sms for every hours.  at first it helps.  but after awhile, i’m getting sick of talking to people that i don’t even know.  it’s just not the same.  so the apps has been abandoned at one corner on my iphone interface which  it has been updated to ios7 and i hate it.

nothing can compare to my charming.  he’s like my lucky charm, and always look charming.  he’s my forever love who departed from this world and landed safely in my heart.  he has been occupied all the rooms in my heart since before his death.  and even more after his death.  he, to me was never died.  he is the only man for me.  forever.

as life goes on, nothing could really change the way i smile after april the fourth.  i feel the God blessing.

thank you, Allah… 🙂

747 still my love :)

747 still my love 🙂

xoxo

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4th april around the world, across the time

i just randomly “googled” for 4th april images, just checking out what kind of occasions had take place on the date of charming’s departure.  here’s what i’ve found:

4thaprilbigchase

wow.  a partay.

wow. a partay.

wow. like almost 70 years ago..?!

wow. like almost 70 years ago..?!

4th april is actually; also a comic..!

4th april is actually; also a comic..!

a gig!

a gig!

easter haa!

easter haa!

4th april on wednesday means last year...

4th april on wednesday means last year…

skate comps!

skate comps!

friday 4th april??  tahun biler lak nih?

friday 4th april?? tahun biler lak nih?

owh wow. sort of solidarity happened over here...

owh wow. sort of solidarity happened over here…

aww.

aww.

TITANIC?  Wow.

TITANIC? Wow.

dunno what is this. but okay, this year.

dunno what is this. but okay, this year.

awwh. i'm sorry u have to go during dis launch. but i'm sure u were glad to go, darling...

awwh. i’m sorry u have to go during dis launch. but i’m sure u were glad to go, darling…

wisconsin cause.

wisconsin cause.

these are all the things happened before/on the day of charming’s departure…  and i’m still counting the day that i continue breathing without him by my side.  Well, it’s been 214 day by now…

dear charming, i love you.

i miss you a lot.  like… alot 😦

xoxo

a stuck mind

i actually have so many things on my mind.  so many things to write.  but i’m just stucked.  

i have post about pets which is still pending, and one post that i write a letter to charming…  plus another post that i intend to write about self-help.  but my mind is not working properly enough to generate ideas and sentences.  i dunno why.  i think i’ve got a stucked mind.  too many things got entangled inside. 

missing him
yes, i am so badly.  

i have nothing else to say.

dear charming, would you come and meet me in my dream like before...? ;(

dear charming, would you come and find me in my dream like before…? ;(

xoxo

poem by ex-indonesian president, B.J Habibie

Sebenarnya ini bukan tentang kematianmu, bukan itu. Karena, aku tahu bahwa semua yang ada pasti menjadi tiada pada akhirnya, dan kematian adalah sesuatu yang pasti, dan kali ini adalah giliranmu untuk pergi, aku sangat tahu itu.

Tapi yang membuatku tersentak sedemikian hebat, adalah kenyataan bahwa kematian benar-benar dapat memutuskan kebahagiaan dalam diri seseorang, sekejap saja, lalu rasanya mampu membuatku menjadi nelangsa setengah mati, hatiku seperti tak di tempatnya, dan tubuhku serasa kosong melompong, hilang isi.

Kau tahu sayang, rasanya seperti angin yang tiba-tiba hilang berganti kemarau gersang. Pada airmata yang jatuh kali ini, aku selipkan salam perpisahan panjang, pada kesetiaan yang telah kau ukir, pada kenangan pahit manis selama kau ada. Aku bukan hendak megeluh, tapi rasanya terlalu sebentar kau disini.

Mereka mengira aku lah kekasih yang baik bagimu sayang, tanpa mereka sadari, bahwa kaulah yang menjadikan aku kekasih yang baik. Mana mungkin aku setia padahal memang kecenderunganku adalah mendua, tapi kau ajarkan aku kesetiaan, sehingga aku setia, kau ajarkan aku arti cinta, sehingga aku mampu mencintaimu seperti ini.

Selamat jalan, Kau dari-Nya, dan kembali pada-Nya, kau dulu tiada untukku, dan sekarang kembali tiada.
Selamat jalan sayang, cahaya mataku, penyejuk jiwaku,
Selamat jalan, calon bidadari surgaku ….

B.J. Habibie
ex-indonesian president

ainuntumblr_mflatqmHcS1qgg4oho1_500

xoxo

dear Charming, i’ll see you in heaven

dear God,

when You took him away
on that fateful day,
i felt so abused
i was aggrevated
i was weak
i’d slipped into the sea of a greatness pain
and alone drowned deep down in a sadness
being trapped into the hole of darkness
thought i’d never make it
when You took him away…

but it is enough for me
to feel Your Supreme in Greatness
by taking him away from me,
enough for me to understand
that You are the Withholder
make me bend on my knee
make me believe that You are The Causer of Death
and The Restorer of Life
make me surrender all my grieves to You
and cry in my words of prayers
when You took him away from me…

dear God,

no matter how long will it takes,
please let me be with him
one fine day
in heaven

dear God
please no matter how i have wronged
and sinned to You
please dear God,
The Most Compassionate,
The Most Beneficent,
The Most Gracious,
please let me see him
forever in the heaven.

dear God
please no matter what trials
You have for me in the future
for my future
please dear God,
The Creator,
The Maker,
The Bestower,
The Reckoner,
please let me find him
the moment i set my foot
in the door of heaven…

dear God,
no matter what You have gave me
i’m still thankful to You
because i’m a servant of Yours…

once upon a time, charming and his princess..

once upon a time, charming and his princess..