birthday 2013

i’m back blogging!

it’s been like a couple of weeks already after my super busy week!  we had this vessel launching in rotterdam and i was the focal point of contact between KL – rotterdam team.  and last week was my birthday and i went on leave for the whole week…  actually i don’t want any celebration for my birthday this year.  i told (WARNED actually)  to my fave girls that i don’t want anything for this year.  not even a birthday wish… but being my best fren, they still wished, but in a different tone…

sharmini @ 0031hrs
hi gurl… i know u r very sad… 😦  i know u r suffering… but i’ve nothing to say gurl…  coz i know nothing can make u feel better… i dun even know should i wish u or not… but maybe i should just keep quiet…  
be strong… don’t think too much… go sleep.. the more u think the more u hurt…  pls try sleep early yea… 
by the way, remember…  im here with u, gurl…  don’t worry… all be fine… anything just let me know…  just try to be stronger..  charming will never wanna see u very down at this time…  take care yea… nites…

ms. hals @ 0051hrs
pray harder to Allah SWT girl…  be strong…  luv u…

well, yeah.  it never been easy for me.  living life without him is hard, let alone when it comes to special occasion like this.  anyhow, i REALLY love one of his birthday wishes that he sent to me thru SMS two years back:

“happy birthday, princess.  i love you.  don’t worry, you will age gracefully.”

he always told me that.

i don’t wanna feel special on my birthday on 22nd sept last week.  to me, no one can make it special for me.  but that was when nana my niece managed to cheer me up and made me smile!  she sent two voice messages thru whatsapp!  (too bad i can’t copy those in to here!)  the first message goes like:
hello aunty…!  and in the second message, she sang a birthday song for me!  sooo cute..!!  😀 and right after her mom sent the voice messages, she (the mom) told me that nana wanted to do a video call with me…  i think she’s too cute and so sweeeetttt!!! ^___^

well.  i’ve made my birthday wish.  silently in my prayer.  i know i can’t live forever, but i wanna live timelessly.  i hope i will survive days in my life without charming.  because i wanna catch him up in heaven.

insya Allah.  God’s willing.


happy birthday to me

happy birthday to me



the day that i made my first step

i lived in a mess since charming’s gone.  my life routine was worse than just boring.  i travelled alone back and forth to office on weekdays, no catching up session after work with buddies, locked up myself in my rented house during weekends, and only talk and text to my mom and my best buddy, sharmini for months.  the situation at that time was really sombre to me.


then until one day, it came through my mind:  why not i try to live charming’s easy life when he was having his off-days?  just like me spending my time on weekends; but this time around, will be on his routine instead.  at least, that will make me move my ass off the bed.  i was being a sleeping beauty (the ‘beauty’ part is which i doubt) on every weekends, saturday to sunday, since i faced the truth that charming is no longer on this earth.  even though i’d made it the first day i-live-my-life-without-him-alive which that was on the 5th April, and i managed to come to office on the first monday on the 8th April 2013 after his death – but later, there was more to come for me to succumb.  especially on the heartbreaking part.

i really missed him so much until i want to live his life.  i wanted to do every single thing that he usually did – when he was alive. (‘was alive’ doesn’t sound right to me still)  while thinking about that idea, i started to like it.  perhaps it was charming stood beside me at that time and whispered the idea to my ears because i know he definitely hating it when i’m living my life like a walking zombie.  i know he never ever liked me being like this.

charmings’ routine was always easy when he was not on his duty.  i knew from A right to the Z every single thing he did.  we always get in touch each other; each hour.  sometimes i got myself jealous when he text or called me telling how he enjoyed his brunch with his family or his brother or with a bunch of his friends while me caught myself in the office running here and there for mock meetings, discussions, datelines etc.

so that morning in june, i got up as early as 0645hrs, headed to the bathroom, cleaned myself and ended up, quietly prayed in the middle of my room.  it was my routine back then to wake him up for prayer.  sometimes he woke up first.  that was when i’ll get all his annoying texts and calls from him.

i spoke to God in my silent prayer.  i teared up, crying.  i asked for the best patience in me.  it’s been hard since he’s gone.  it’s really tough.  he brought all the hopes together with him.  i couldn’t ask for more, just to bear it with patience…

around 0730hrs, i left my apartment and walked down to pam.  pamela a.k.a pam, my car.  yeah, i called her pam.  i drove down to the public swimming pool in my neighbourhood.  charming’s routine.  he loved to swim.  the difference is; he swam at his house swimming pool.  my apartment doesn’t have one so i end up paying rm2 for the entrance.  haha

when i left the community swimming pool, it was almost 1000hrs.  the weather was good.  i felt like it supports my effort of moving my ass that day.  i took the picture.  this is the real picture i took on that day:

the entrance

the entrance

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

beautiful weather

beautiful weather

time for breakfast! 🙂

i went to the nearest shopping mall to get his favourite breakfast.  to make it convenient for me.
charming really loved pancakes or waffle for breakfast.  either with the blueberry sauce (his mom makes the best sauce!) or strawberry with the whipped cream (remind me of something) or traditionally with the mapple syrup or can be as simple as with honey!  i ended up choosing waffle because they don’t make pancakes.  and with tea or ‘teh-O’ less sugar.

photo 4

i reached home before afternoon.  normally, that will be time for charming to do his stuff like paying the bills, shop for groceries, bring his car for service, etc and then came to my office and fetched me for lunch.

me instead gotta do my laundry!  the most hating thing to do!  and some other house chores to do…  ahh~

i awoke to find the washing machine was already stopped.  it was almost five o’clock.  and the telly had been watching me sleep for like two hours.  well, it’s weekend, day sleeping is what the weekend for!  come on!  even charming did that most of his off-days!  haha 😀

so the last routine…  to wash the car!  i’ve got pam.  charming got rex.  but to tell you the truth, all this while, i brought pam somewhere for wash and paid for it.  i never willingly doing that for her.  that day, it was my pleasure because charming really love to wash his car on his own effort!

“i’m about to bathe my sweetheart, you don’t get jelly?”  one of the question i remember him asking.  sigh, silly charming~  haha!

i did everything, in and out.  AND also, in his t-shirt:

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

i washed, i vacuumed the car, and check the “black oil” like a professional mechanic~ (i dunno, malaysian like me called it like that – myk hitam. but it’s not the petrol!  engine oil maybe~)…  i did it all the way like charming used to tell me.

“everything laa.. from the body to the engine… that’s how you take care of your car…”  – Charming.

later at night, i spent my time having the dinner alone.  wishing that charming been looking at me for the whole day from above.  and he might be smiling while looking at his idiot girl spending her time alone in his routine because she is missing him so much…

and she wants nothing but his smile.  she’s burden with pain. and while quietly eating her dinner, her tears fell down to her cheek.
if you can see that, charming…