oh charming…

i loved you like there was no tomorrow.
and then one day, there wasn’t…

al-fatihah, sayang.  sleep tight up there…  it’s been 221 days without you.  i’m doing well down here… :’)

al-fatihah.
al-fatihah.
al-fatihah.
al-fatihah.
al-fatihah.
al-fatihah.
al-fatihah.

surat al-fatiha.  my “love letter” to you, for our “long-distance relationship” since you departed this world… :’)

surah20al-fatihah

life as it goes on

7th november 2013

it’s already november.  december stands still in the corner of the end of this year; remarkably significant to charming’s birthday and my dad’s as well.  i’ve been reminding myself to be emotionally ready for his coming birthday.  yes, i had prepared so many birthday surprises for him for all the years.  made handmade birthday cards, baked cakes, bought gifts, composed poems, arranged dinners and surprise tricks, and all.

this year no more.  not anymore.

it’s been seven months since he’s gone.  on the first and second months after his departure, i tried to anticipate on how will i cope along this first year.  i thought, i was just simply thought, at this period of seven months i will be getting back on track of my normal life.  thought i will become stronger and emotionally stable.

but i was wrong.

life as it goes on has been so emptied.  i’m tired of everything which is actually i am just missing him so badly.  i have lost the perfect shoulder that i used to cry on.  also, i have lost the hands who used to hug and pat my back every time i burst out.  the absence which take place is just inevitable.  no matter how hard i try to ignore, it still strikes me.  the lost should have made me cry double or triple than i used to do in charming’s arm.  there should be a very good ear listening to my rants and stories.  there should be the lips saying the perfect things, saying all the things i wanted to hear when i’m lost about life…  but…  it’s just no longer there.  evokes me somehow.  the truth of life as it goes on…

i now install some chatting applications in my iphone so that i can avoid the absence feeling from not checking my whatsapp or sms for every hours.  at first it helps.  but after awhile, i’m getting sick of talking to people that i don’t even know.  it’s just not the same.  so the apps has been abandoned at one corner on my iphone interface which  it has been updated to ios7 and i hate it.

nothing can compare to my charming.  he’s like my lucky charm, and always look charming.  he’s my forever love who departed from this world and landed safely in my heart.  he has been occupied all the rooms in my heart since before his death.  and even more after his death.  he, to me was never died.  he is the only man for me.  forever.

as life goes on, nothing could really change the way i smile after april the fourth.  i feel the God blessing.

thank you, Allah… 🙂

747 still my love :)

747 still my love 🙂

xoxo

a stuck mind

i actually have so many things on my mind.  so many things to write.  but i’m just stucked.  

i have post about pets which is still pending, and one post that i write a letter to charming…  plus another post that i intend to write about self-help.  but my mind is not working properly enough to generate ideas and sentences.  i dunno why.  i think i’ve got a stucked mind.  too many things got entangled inside. 

missing him
yes, i am so badly.  

i have nothing else to say.

dear charming, would you come and meet me in my dream like before...? ;(

dear charming, would you come and find me in my dream like before…? ;(

xoxo

the day that i made my first step

i lived in a mess since charming’s gone.  my life routine was worse than just boring.  i travelled alone back and forth to office on weekdays, no catching up session after work with buddies, locked up myself in my rented house during weekends, and only talk and text to my mom and my best buddy, sharmini for months.  the situation at that time was really sombre to me.

IMG_9120

then until one day, it came through my mind:  why not i try to live charming’s easy life when he was having his off-days?  just like me spending my time on weekends; but this time around, will be on his routine instead.  at least, that will make me move my ass off the bed.  i was being a sleeping beauty (the ‘beauty’ part is which i doubt) on every weekends, saturday to sunday, since i faced the truth that charming is no longer on this earth.  even though i’d made it the first day i-live-my-life-without-him-alive which that was on the 5th April, and i managed to come to office on the first monday on the 8th April 2013 after his death – but later, there was more to come for me to succumb.  especially on the heartbreaking part.

i really missed him so much until i want to live his life.  i wanted to do every single thing that he usually did – when he was alive. (‘was alive’ doesn’t sound right to me still)  while thinking about that idea, i started to like it.  perhaps it was charming stood beside me at that time and whispered the idea to my ears because i know he definitely hating it when i’m living my life like a walking zombie.  i know he never ever liked me being like this.

charmings’ routine was always easy when he was not on his duty.  i knew from A right to the Z every single thing he did.  we always get in touch each other; each hour.  sometimes i got myself jealous when he text or called me telling how he enjoyed his brunch with his family or his brother or with a bunch of his friends while me caught myself in the office running here and there for mock meetings, discussions, datelines etc.

so that morning in june, i got up as early as 0645hrs, headed to the bathroom, cleaned myself and ended up, quietly prayed in the middle of my room.  it was my routine back then to wake him up for prayer.  sometimes he woke up first.  that was when i’ll get all his annoying texts and calls from him.

i spoke to God in my silent prayer.  i teared up, crying.  i asked for the best patience in me.  it’s been hard since he’s gone.  it’s really tough.  he brought all the hopes together with him.  i couldn’t ask for more, just to bear it with patience…

around 0730hrs, i left my apartment and walked down to pam.  pamela a.k.a pam, my car.  yeah, i called her pam.  i drove down to the public swimming pool in my neighbourhood.  charming’s routine.  he loved to swim.  the difference is; he swam at his house swimming pool.  my apartment doesn’t have one so i end up paying rm2 for the entrance.  haha

when i left the community swimming pool, it was almost 1000hrs.  the weather was good.  i felt like it supports my effort of moving my ass that day.  i took the picture.  this is the real picture i took on that day:

the entrance

the entrance

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

it facing the lake. the surrounding is really beautiful and looks great

beautiful weather

beautiful weather

time for breakfast! 🙂

i went to the nearest shopping mall to get his favourite breakfast.  to make it convenient for me.
charming really loved pancakes or waffle for breakfast.  either with the blueberry sauce (his mom makes the best sauce!) or strawberry with the whipped cream (remind me of something) or traditionally with the mapple syrup or can be as simple as with honey!  i ended up choosing waffle because they don’t make pancakes.  and with tea or ‘teh-O’ less sugar.

photo 4

i reached home before afternoon.  normally, that will be time for charming to do his stuff like paying the bills, shop for groceries, bring his car for service, etc and then came to my office and fetched me for lunch.

me instead gotta do my laundry!  the most hating thing to do!  and some other house chores to do…  ahh~

i awoke to find the washing machine was already stopped.  it was almost five o’clock.  and the telly had been watching me sleep for like two hours.  well, it’s weekend, day sleeping is what the weekend for!  come on!  even charming did that most of his off-days!  haha 😀

so the last routine…  to wash the car!  i’ve got pam.  charming got rex.  but to tell you the truth, all this while, i brought pam somewhere for wash and paid for it.  i never willingly doing that for her.  that day, it was my pleasure because charming really love to wash his car on his own effort!

“i’m about to bathe my sweetheart, you don’t get jelly?”  one of the question i remember him asking.  sigh, silly charming~  haha!

i did everything, in and out.  AND also, in his t-shirt:

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

yeah. his worn out t-shirt..

i washed, i vacuumed the car, and check the “black oil” like a professional mechanic~ (i dunno, malaysian like me called it like that – myk hitam. but it’s not the petrol!  engine oil maybe~)…  i did it all the way like charming used to tell me.

“everything laa.. from the body to the engine… that’s how you take care of your car…”  – Charming.

later at night, i spent my time having the dinner alone.  wishing that charming been looking at me for the whole day from above.  and he might be smiling while looking at his idiot girl spending her time alone in his routine because she is missing him so much…

and she wants nothing but his smile.  she’s burden with pain. and while quietly eating her dinner, her tears fell down to her cheek.
if you can see that, charming…

DinnerAlone0607

xoxo