why do i still counting down for his birthday?
who i wanted to celebrate?
where is the person i wanted to give celebration?
what’s left (for his birthday) after he’s gone?
i feel silly.
Hendak ku nangis
Tiada berair mata
Hendak ku senyum
Tiada siapa nak teman
Apa nak buat
Di mana kan ku cari ganti
Serupa dengan mu
Tak sanggup ku berpisah
Dan perhati patah, hidup gelisah
Alangkah pedih rasa hati
Selama kau pergi
Tiada berteman dalam kesepian
Dunia terang menjadi gelita
Cahaya indah tiada bergema
Keluhan hatiku membawa derita
Kini kau jua tak kunjung jelma
Di mana kan ku cari ganti
Mungkinkah di syurga
Untuk kawan ketawa
Menangis bersama, selama-lamanya…
i loved you like there was no tomorrow.
and then one day, there wasn’t…
al-fatihah, sayang. sleep tight up there… it’s been 221 days without you. i’m doing well down here… :’)
surat al-fatiha. my “love letter” to you, for our “long-distance relationship” since you departed this world… :’)
7th november 2013
it’s already november. december stands still in the corner of the end of this year; remarkably significant to charming’s birthday and my dad’s as well. i’ve been reminding myself to be emotionally ready for his coming birthday. yes, i had prepared so many birthday surprises for him for all the years. made handmade birthday cards, baked cakes, bought gifts, composed poems, arranged dinners and surprise tricks, and all.
this year no more. not anymore.
it’s been seven months since he’s gone. on the first and second months after his departure, i tried to anticipate on how will i cope along this first year. i thought, i was just simply thought, at this period of seven months i will be getting back on track of my normal life. thought i will become stronger and emotionally stable.
but i was wrong.
life as it goes on has been so emptied. i’m tired of everything which is actually i am just missing him so badly. i have lost the perfect shoulder that i used to cry on. also, i have lost the hands who used to hug and pat my back every time i burst out. the absence which take place is just inevitable. no matter how hard i try to ignore, it still strikes me. the lost should have made me cry double or triple than i used to do in charming’s arm. there should be a very good ear listening to my rants and stories. there should be the lips saying the perfect things, saying all the things i wanted to hear when i’m lost about life… but… it’s just no longer there. evokes me somehow. the truth of life as it goes on…
i now install some chatting applications in my iphone so that i can avoid the absence feeling from not checking my whatsapp or sms for every hours. at first it helps. but after awhile, i’m getting sick of talking to people that i don’t even know. it’s just not the same. so the apps has been abandoned at one corner on my iphone interface which it has been updated to ios7 and i hate it.
nothing can compare to my charming. he’s like my lucky charm, and always look charming. he’s my forever love who departed from this world and landed safely in my heart. he has been occupied all the rooms in my heart since before his death. and even more after his death. he, to me was never died. he is the only man for me. forever.
as life goes on, nothing could really change the way i smile after april the fourth. i feel the God blessing.
thank you, Allah… 🙂